Winning the Bread, and Baking It Too

How will the rising numbers of women outearning their husbands affect their marriages?    

Expert Q&A with Theresa Spinner, M.A. and Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, Ed.D., MSS     

Pew Research Center reports that as women have become more educated and have become stronger players in the work force, a greater number of wives have been earning more than their husbands today than in years past. What do these changing economic and gender dynamics mean for marriage?     

Theresa Spinner, MA, is Senior Web Communications Associate at The National Association of Social Workers (NASW), in Washington, D.C., the largest membership organization of professional social workers in the world with nearly 150,000 members in 56 chapters throughout the United States and its territories. It promotes, develops, and protects the practice of social work and social workers. NASW also seeks to enhance the well-being of individuals, families, and communities through its advocacy.    

Q:  Recent statistics on income levels indicate that 22% of married women now earn more than their husbands.  How did this happen? 

A:   Today, due in part to the women's movement, more women than men are in the workforce, and women have outpaced men in higher education.  The result is the rise in educated, high-earning women.  There is no question that higher educational levels are good indicators and predictors of higher income.  Along with the rise in women's education and economic self-sufficiency is the eventual shift in cultural mores:  Women CAN take care of themselves--and there is a trend in social thinking that women SHOULD strive to be able to take care of themselves. Another factor that contributed to the steady rise in education, income and views of women is the civil rights movement, which sparked an equal value of ALL people--including women. 

After WWII, even though many veterans initially had trouble finding employment, a substantial number of men found jobs in various sectors.  Many worked in union -controlled jobs, others received educational benefits from the GI Bill.  These men not only didn't NEED their middle class women to work--the men and society in general--did not WANT these women to work.  Baby-making and maintaining family values and family solidarity was the women's job.  


Q:  What affect will this demographic change have on women's concept of marriage? 

A: Not too long ago, there was a saying that described traditional marriage:  "An institution that kept women one step off the welfare rolls and one step out of the mental institution." This maxim spoke to both the lower earning power and lower educational levels of most married women.  Without their husband's money, it was reasoned--rightly or wrongly--women would be on the streets or need to be locked up in mental wards due to their emotional instability.  The fifties, if you recall, was the beginning of women's wide use of tranquilizers to manage the "housewife blues." The value of marriage for women, in addition to providing a roof, a bed and name for their children, was that it ALSO conferred these benefits to the wives.  Social order of the middle class and higher relied on the sanctioned progression of love-marriage-sex-babies and women's legal and economic protection.  In addition, marriage ensconced men as the breadwinners, the new heroes of the suburban home front rather than the World War II battle front. 

After WWII, even though many veterans initially had trouble finding employment, a substantial number of men found jobs in various sectors.  Many worked in union -controlled jobs, some started businesses in the booming housing market--think Levittown--others received educational benefits from the GI Bill.  These men not only didn't NEED their middle class women to work--the men and society in general--did not WANT these women to work.  Baby-making and maintaining family values and family solidarity was the women's job.  

Now, economically-speaking, women do not HAVE to rely on men for protection and safety.  Presumably, women are FREE to marry for love--or not marry at all.  In fact, there are demographic indicators that indeed educated women are postponing marriage.  The Millennials are getting married later and later--and living together more often and longer. 

Q:  So, are women happier now that they have choices and freedom?

There is a saying that "the one who has the money has the control." Centuries ago in the Middle Ages Chaucer, in the The Wife of Bath story of his famous work "The Canterbury Tales," had the Wife answer this question:  What do women want?  The Wife's answer—even in the Middle Ages—was "power."  Well, things haven't changed.  Or have they?

Theoretically, women should be more content now that they can be the master of their fate--career-wise and economically speaking.  But my research indicates that women are experiencing a rise in anxiety, due, in part, in these tough economic times, to the stresses of making an income or being the sole or chief income provider. For example, women are asking their physicians for more anti-anxiety medication as well as anti-depressants and prescription sleep aids. Self-reliance has its pitfalls, too, many women are learning.


Q:  That's sad—but not surprising.  So, has this phenomenon changed women's view of marriage and love? 

A:   Here is a short list:  

1.  Make a point of carving out time to be with your spouse.  Even fifteen minutes together can make a difference. 
2.  Schedule sex.  Don't forget the power of sexual heat and mutual satisfaction to keep the spark of love alive. 
3.  Don't play a game of History—the "You said/I said" to solve problems.  Play it forward and get solution-oriented. 
4.  Don't get caught in "my way or the highway."  If your partner doesn't do things EXACTLY as you want, lighten up and adjust your focus from perfectionism to a "good enough—no harm done" model. 
5.  Never use criticism and nagging to solve problems or motivate your husband.  No one ever joyfully wants to feel they've been told to sit in the corner. 
6.  Learn more about your husband—who he is and why he is.  Keep this in mind when you work on resolving differences. 
7. Work as a team in developing plans for your children’s lives and daily management.  Come up with solid, clear expectations and follow through on consequences if they do not comply with your rules. 
8.  Date. Make sure you also plan private time together doing shared, fun activities.  Never "skip" celebrating your anniversary. 
9.  Establish and maintain family traditions and rituals.  These events form the emotional glue that makes you and your husband feel special and like a united force. 
10.  Don’t confuse your husband's lesser salary with your lesser view and value of him.